funerals

has anyone had to explain death to their child or taken them to a funeral? micah went to his great grandfathers funeral a year ago but did not ask questions. we are going to another calling hours tonight and he is questioning death....any words of wisdom????

Donna, That's to bad that you had to recently go to a funeral. I happened to be reading my recent issue of Parents magazine and they had a great article on "Saying Goodbye". I tried to look it up online but they didn't have the exact article but here is another good one.


Losing a Loved One: Helping Children Grieve
When her mother died suddenly from a stroke, Genie Ware, Ph.D., of Holliston, Massachusetts, dreaded telling her two preschoolers. It was obvious from her red, puffy eyes that she'd been crying. Dr. Ware knew it would be easier to say something that might be less upsetting to them, such as "Grandma's gone to sleep" or "Grandma's gone away." But as a psychologist who specializes in grief counseling, she knew that when it comes to explaining death, it's easy for parents to inadvertently confuse and frighten their kids.

"Something very, very sad has happened," she said to her children, unable to stifle her tears. "Grandma Julie has died, and I'm crying because we will never see her again." Molly, 3, began to cry. Alex, 5, was on the verge. They both gave her a hug.

"Children are far more perceptive and empathetic than we give them credit for," Dr. Ware says. A few days later, while they were driving somewhere, Alex asked her if she was crying. Dr. Ware thought it was a strange question because she was clearly dry-eyed. "I don't mean crying on the outside, Mom," he said. "Are you crying on the inside?"

As parents, we all want to protect our children from pain, fear, and sadness -- we've been soothing them since the day they were born -- but sheltering them from the reality of death can do more harm than good. "If parents are uncomfortable talking about the death of a loved one and hide their own feelings, children think it's a taboo subject and learn not to ask questions," says Leslie Landon Matthews, Ph.D., coauthor of When Children Grieve (HarperCollins, 2001). It's important to encourage kids to express their grief and let them see you do the same.

I found the link of the article I was talking about here it is:

Death is very difficult for young children to understand, and it can be tough for parents to explain. The best advice: Keep your answers as short and simple as possible, and use these responses as a model.

Pages in this story
Q. My 4-year-old keeps asking me, "Mommy, why did Grandma die?" What should I say? Q. My kids are only 5 and 2. Should I take them to my uncle's funeral?
Q. My father died recently, and my daughter wants to know where he is now. What should I say? Q. My 7-year-old daughter is heartbroken over losing our cat. How should we pay tribute?
Q. My aunt is dying. Should I take my 5-year-old with me to visit her in the hospital? Reassuring Reads
Q. Since my mother died, I've been crying a lot. Will it harm my kids to see me like this? How to Answer: "Am I Going to Die, Mommy?"

Q. My 4-year-old keeps asking me, "Mommy, why did Grandma die?" What should I say?
A. When a little kid asks such a big question, you may be tempted to soft-pedal the truth. Don't do it: Telling him that "Grandma went to sleep" or "We lost Grandma" will only backfire. "You might confuse your child or even make him afraid to go to sleep at night," says Parents advisor David Fassler, MD. clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont College of Medicine, in Burlington.

Instead, say something like, "Your grandma died because she was very old and sick. She doesn't talk or eat or breathe anymore, and we won't see her again. But the love we had for her will stay with us forever." If it helps, you can compare a person's life to a tree's leaves, which bloom in the spring, then change color and die in the fall.

When Donna Maria Johnson's father died, she told her kids, Vanessa, then 5, and Brooks, then 3, that when people get very old, their bodies stop working, just like when a toy's batteries run out. "But then I explained that you can't replace a person's batteries," says the mom from Charlotte, North Carolina. "That made sense to them."



Q. My father died recently, and my daughter wants to know where he is now. What should I say?
A. That depends upon your religious beliefs. "For many families, heaven is an important source of comfort," says Greg Adams, director of the Center for Good Mourning at Arkansas Children's Hospital, in Little Rock. But don't introduce it too early: The notion of a person being dead physically but alive in a spiritual place is too abstract for most kids under age 5. "Until they are ready, heaven can wait," Adams says.

You can also let your child decide for herself about the afterlife. Say something like, "No one knows for sure. Some people think you go to heaven when you die, while others believe people come back on earth as different creatures. What do you think?"



Q. My aunt is dying. Should I take my 5-year-old with me to visit her in the hospital?
A. Ask him if he'd like to go, suggests Donna Swain, a clinical bereavement counselor at the Center for Grief and Loss at Stella Maris Hospice, in Timonium, Maryland. Since seeing a sick person in the hospital can be scary -- will she be hooked up to tubes and IVs? will she be able to talk? -- prepare your child beforehand.

When Michael Zacharias's sister Lynne was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, his two daughters, who were 5 and 3 at the time, visited her weekly. "They saw her decline gradually, so it wasn't such a shock," says the Glen Allen, Virginia, dad. "My wife, Melissa, and I explained that Aunt Lynne would lose her hair and later on that she might not be able to talk. But Lynne's eyes lit up every time we came, and I think seeing her disease progress made it easier for the girls to accept her death."

Q. Since my mother died, I've been crying a lot. Will it harm my kids to see me like this?
A. No. Watching Mommy break down might frighten your kids, but only for a moment. And it will also teach them an important lesson: Adults cry when they're very sad too. So if you can't leave the room to be by yourself, sob away. Just make sure they know you're okay and that you'll take care of them like you always do.

Clare Leschin-Hoar faced this situation when her father died of lung cancer when her children were 7 and 4. "I didn't try to hide my grief," says the Mansfield, Massachusetts, mom. "I wanted them to see how much I loved and missed my dad." To her surprise, the kids wound up comforting her, which eased her sadness.

Q. My kids are only 5 and 2. Should I take them to my uncle's funeral?
A. Use your judgment. Although kids may bring comfort to grieving relatives, they can also be disruptive at funerals. It's unrealistic to expect children under 6 to sit quietly through a service. So if they go, take along a friend or a sitter who can watch them and focus on their needs and reactions. "This will make it easier for your kids," says Dr. Fassler.

You should also factor in the likely atmosphere of the ceremony. If it's for someone who died young or unexpectedly, the intense emotions may be difficult for your child to handle. But if the person lived a long, happy life, the mood will probably be a lot lighter. If you decide to let your child attend, give him a preview: "Everyone who loved Uncle Steve wants to remember all the great things about him. That's what a funeral is for."

Connor Shinberger went to her great-grandmother's funeral when she was almost 4. "We told her that she had to be quiet, just like in church, and that we would probably cry, because we're sad that Grandma Roxy isn't with us anymore," says her mom, Darcie, from Macomb, Illinois. "She asked if Grandma would know we were there, and I explained that we would only see her body, because her soul went to heaven to live with Grandpa and keep watch over us. She seemed to accept that pretty easily, and she behaved very well."

Q. My 7-year-old daughter is heartbroken over losing our cat. How should we pay tribute?
A. For a child, losing a pet can be as emotional as saying goodbye to a close relative, if not more so. Holding a funeral or making a memorial book with pictures, drawings, and even the animal's collar can be a great way to help her gain closure, says Swain.

Lisa Waller's children were devastated when their dog, Rhett, had to be put to sleep. "We made Jack, who was 6, and Rachel, who was 3, a special album with photos of them together with Rhett," says the Marietta, Georgia, mom. "This helped them remember the wonderful times they had with him."

Although she was tempted to get a new pet right away, Waller felt it was important for her kids to face Rhett's loss rather than simply replacing him. "But Santa brought stuffed-animal boxer pups for both children for Christmas," she says. "Jack sleeps with his every night and calls him Rhett."